Bereavement Awareness
There can be no knowledge without emotion. We may be aware of a truth, yet until we have felt its force, it is not ours. To the cognition of the brain must be added the experience of the soul. Arnold Bennett (1867-1931)
Many people have gone before us when we ourselves, for the first time, are confronted with the loss of a loved one. We might have known someone who experienced loss but until we ourselves are in the middle of it we do not foresee how we cope with such an event.
Tragedy
We are almost at the one-year anniversary of the tragic event of the 11th of September 2001. Think about the people who have lost someone on that day, pray for him or her, it will be a difficult moment in their life and they will need all the support during those delicate moments.
Although it is hard to understand what it is like for those who lost a loved one during such a horrible act of violence, a kind and caring act will be of great value. The fact that someone still acknowledges the pain will be of tremendous help.
A life threatening illness
Death is something that we try to avoid thinking or talking about but it just as natural as birth. Even when a loved one faces a terminal illness and death suddenly becomes very real, it can still be too frightening to face. It is like that person is presented with a one-way ticket to an unknown destination and you then suddenly realise how fragile your life is.
Partners, relatives and friends will have to deal with complete different issues, seeing someone close suffer and not being able to help is often the most frustrating one. Being there for each other whenever it is needed is the best you can do in these difficult situations. Fear of facing or ignoring it can result in guilt or regret and can make the process of grief after the person has gone even more difficult. “If only I had….”, is a very common thought. Memories are what we are left with.
Always unexpected
Death always comes unexpectedly and when you lose a loved one, you will go through a very intense and painful time. Everyone is different and the way we cope with loss is very personal. Grief can overwhelm you and change your life forever.
I totally lost the connection with the outside world after my partner died; I was in a state of shock and especially in the beginning I just felt numb. During this ‘dream state’ I could not believe that he was not there anymore and I felt I had become a completely different person having lost total control over my own life. I was angry because I was robbed of a future with my partner and I asked the question why? Why him? Why me? I thought I was prepared, but I was not.
I could not eat, sleep or think anymore and I had an indescribable and untraceable physical pain. Unfortunately I was also faced with practical and legal problems because my partner died one day before our wedding day and we were not officially married. My own family was supporting me in whatever way possible but because I live in another country they could not be there for me all the time. I thought I had become part of my partner’s family but after his death they dropped me like a tonne of bricks.
I was on my own for the first time in my life and very scared. It is very important to be able to share your feelings during a time of grief and after struggling on my own for about four months I received help from a local bereavement counsellor and slowly started to recover.
Be understanding
It is important for everyone involved, the bereaved, and also the people around, to understand this painful process. It can be confusing for someone who wants to help not knowing what to say or do. (what to say, what not to say)
I have experienced some painful comments and actions after the death of my partner. All I would like to say is give someone time, time to grieve, be patient and do not think that only the first months after the loss are the most important. The passing of a loved one becomes part of one’s life forever, the bonds of love never die. Most people only contact the bereaved during the first months but believe me the pain continues. During those moments of silence the biggest struggle could be going on. Most of the grief work has to be done by the bereaved, but if there is no understanding from the people around it will be even harder to cope with.
Stay in contact
It is important to continue to care even after a couple of months or longer, it could take years for the bereaved to come to terms with his or her new life, be kind, compassionate and loving to help a grieving heart, it will and does make all the difference. Continue to listen, because for the bereaved the loss can still be a very important part of their life. Do not expect the bereaved to ask YOU for help, they often find it very difficult to ask for help.
At this very moment someone somewhere in our world will be faced with the loss of a loved one, please be understanding!