Close to the end
The result of his scan after the holiday was worrying and the specialist advised Paul to have chemotherapy again. It was not possible to see on the scan if the cancer had come back, but there was a serious possibility. Paul made the decision earlier not to have anymore chemo but when the specialist told him it could give him an extra year he agreed.
Knowing how difficult this would be for Paul and with the possibility of his death we cried and held each other for hours. Neither of us could face this future prospect. "We have to be strong and make the best of it" we said to each other, "It cannot destroy our love, whatever happens".
We had gone trough many difficult times together and our faith and strength always kept us going. Even when losing our child we had been able to cope by being there for each other.
He was admitted to the hospital for his chemotherapy and meanwhile we were still preparing for our big day, the 22nd of November. The more ill Paul became, the more we both started to ignore the possibility of his death. When I look back at those moments we knew deep inside that time was not on our side anymore.
The side effects of the chemo became unbearable for him and the doctors were not sure what to do about it. On the 19th of November the nurses suggested to perform the wedding ceremony in the hospital. I could not let him go through with it in that state - he was too ill - also, I wanted to give him a moment that he could be proud of. We had the strong faith that our bond was blessed by God.
The only possible way to help Paul was another operation, not knowing what the outcome would be. Paul said "I feel it is my only chance". He asked for the people he wanted to see before he was going for his operation. I have never seen anyone so strong in trying to be positive while knowing that this might be his last farewell.