The moment of truth

On the 20th of November at 4.20 pm we said our last words to each other. We kissed and he reassured me by saying: "I will see you later, remember that".

I can still feel the deepness of our last kiss. I received a phone call and the surgeon told me the cancer had come back and there was nothing they could do for him anymore. I sat next to his bed the whole night and although he was not awake, he knew that I was there. When I played our favourite song, Paul lifted his arm and I could feel his love so close.

At 3.00 pm on the 21st of November in the last seconds I whispered in his ear: "Goodbye my darling, thank you for everything and I will love you forever". Paul smiled and started his journey very peacefully.

With this intense experience I also started a new chapter of my life. Between the daily sadness and pain I feel deep within me gratitude. He is always on my mind and in my heart. During the funeral we played our favourite music and it was beautiful.

Because of our wedding, my family had come over not knowing they would go to a funeral instead. I was thankful for their support, not realising how much I would need it. Whether or not it was the fact that we were not married, or maybe just guilt or greed, after his death, people's attitudes changed. The many friends we had, little of them were left, and his family became silent. Paul had made a will and had expressed his wishes but not everyone had the 'strength' to be respectful.

Here is where my fight for justice started. One of his best friends supported me in this painful battle. There was for me only one goal; making his wish come true. I have been very angry but always remembered our special love. In many occasions I felt spiritual protection.

After 5 months I was given a small part of his ashes and I could finally fulfil part of his wish. Nothing had made me more happy during that time.

I travelled to Ireland and went to the place he loved so much and it became one of many special moments I experienced after Paul's passing. On the 21st of April at 3.00 pm I fulfilled his wish and read a letter that I had written to him. Read letter »