If I know what love is, it is because of you.
Herman Hesse

With Love

Many thoughts have been going through my mind and it seemed for a moment that time stood still.

The question why you?
The feeling I wish that.
The final acceptance that life will have a bigger plan are all part of this movie in my mind.

It is just one of those days where sad and happy memories enter my mind and I look at some pictures to relive bygone moments. There is a smile when I remember the exciting times we had, the love and fun we shared and the many interesting places we visited.

Although it is a more challenging memory, I also recall the emotional times we had. Dealing with the physical pain, the sadness and the frustration of not being able to change the direction of our destination. It was like time stood still when you went on your final journey and part of me died too that day. I realise that it is impossible to bring that back to life again.

I often wondered about you, not knowing in what places to look for your presence. The feeling of incompetence came when I was not able to control the final part of your journey and I thought I had failed you. While working through these convictions I had given to myself, love came into my life again.

At first I pushed it away, afraid to become once again a disappointment. When I finally had the strength to look back with forgiveness I knew that our love had never left me.

For a long time I cried, tears for you, tears for us and tears for my new love and my inability to accept. Very gently I was taken to a place that can only exist and be seen by the truth.

Love is so natural, given and received without effort. The harmony in those special shared moments feels like a gentle breeze on a warm day. By embracing this love I experience that love has no demands, only fear can bring a desire for control and security.

If we have a self-rewarding life we do not search for confirmation, we walk along our path of adventure and are able to accept obstacles as valuable lessons. Those who enter our life, gently or forcefully, are part of the opportunities we have to learn. By giving each other all the space to grow, we accept love and forgiveness as our main motivation and drive. Love is rewarding you with joy and happiness and will make your heart flower. The colour and warmth it produces can energise the world around you.

I am thankful for this moment of truth and I glance into a future where I will be able to carry this warmth and wisdom along with me, guided by love.

Realising this would never have been possible without you and without the growing space my new love is giving me. This new comforting blanket is keeping me warm during the coldest days and whenever I have doubt.

I walk again into this gentle place that was revealed to me after I was able to let go.

With love,
Caroline
21 November 2004