Alert Mode
If we contemplate on our relationships we can recognise a personal pattern. There are different types of relationships, the one with our partner, family and relating with our friends and colleagues. We often class our partner as the most important and deep touching relationship because it gives access to very private and intimate life situations. But the pattern of our behaviour will always revert back to the same mode subconsciously.
Do we know how our relationship energy works?
I grew up in a family together with three sisters and two brothers. With each one of them I have a different relationship. We are all unique human beings and want this uniqueness to be appreciated and acknowledged. I often realise, when I'm writing or talking, that I generalise a lot and leave out the personal bits. I call that putting myself at a distance trying to get the objective view, but I know that isn't true. The closer I get to people, the more vulnerable I feel and that is a pattern!
While Growing up I had difficulties finding a way to show my uniqueness and this started to affect my self-esteem. Getting really close to a person often means showing your self and most of all opening up. The minute that happened I stepped back and started thinking "am I worth relating with this person"?. All kinds of feelings would come to the surface and overwhelm me so much that I followed with the verdict "I'm not worth it"! Chapter closed and I continued relating to this person in alert mode.
Being in a big family was confusing for me and I often preferred to be on my own. The relating energy became general. My parents were my focus, if only I could show them what a wonderful person I am so they could help me show others. I had to share their attention and felt left alone with my feelings.
Suddenly I met a person who made me feel unique. All his energy was focused on me and this happiness I called love! I opened myself and showed some of my painful spots and he treated me with respect and affection. The stronger I became the more I was able to stand up for myself. I reached the point of satisfaction and created a new pattern, my 'relation energy'. Without knowing I distanced myself more and more from this person because I learned to work with a new tool, which opened up the world to me.
Realising the reason of relating with my partner I knew I had not been honest. I could not give him my deepest feelings, I felt I used him and guilt became part of me. My focus was now in keeping this relationship but I knew I missed Love. I respected him a lot and I thought I owed myself to him. He gave me the key to the outside world and I was sure I had to give him something in return. Seeing the truth was hard and at the same time it revealed a lot about myself. I remembered what I had learned and made the decision to leave. We went our own way and created our own lives.
One evening I was chatting on the net and met a man who touched me so deep without me having to open up. I lost control over my alert mode and gave in. This is the best decision I ever made in my life! I experienced Love in all its beauty and pain.
Amazingly more and more relationships I have with people around me become easier and I feel I am who I am, not perfect but an open person. The first honest attempt I had with my relation energy was with this man. We had three wonderful years together, where we shared with all our love the meaning of life and death and knew, that the day would come we had to say goodbye and let each other go.
His terrible illness became our challenge and we were not afraid to open our hearts and souls and experienced a beautiful relationship. Both thankful for this experience of growth we had to let each other go to continue our own journey.
Saying Goodbye to him seemed the hardest challenge of my life but he showed me that there is always love around me, love I could not feel before. I am so grateful towards him for opening this special part inside me. Being alone I have to find the strength to start all over again. Afraid of making mistakes, opening up again, showing my pain and giving another person my trust. Having learned from my previous relationships I realise and accept my responsibility of choice.
Caroline Hofstede
2001
Caroline is the founder of Cosmic Sparkle, a place for healing inspiration. "Sharing on the world wide web is an extremely powerful tool, it is my aim is to inspire others to become aware of the healing sparkle that is present within us all".