A Sunday Movie
It brought back so many memories and I remember the moment where I knew that this was going to be a battle we had to fight together. I was watching a film about an older man who had lost his wife and was having difficulties adjusting to his new life. He fell in love again but fate gave him the most difficult task of all. After they met he found out that this woman had cancer. The love between them was stronger than the fear of losing again, every minute of the time they had together became precious. Love can give a new meaning to life, the gift of a deep and inner bond between two people.
The first time he fell in love he was not sure and as he said, he had nothing to compare it with but this time the fear did not count and they said to each other we will take each day as it comes.
To be a partner of someone with cancer can make you feel useless and weak because the partner with cancer is often so strong in fighting this battle. At first you think there is nothing you can do and you pray and wish that your loved one will be cured and you want to do anything in your power so they won’t have to suffer. For the partner with cancer it can be difficult to share what has to come, for the future is something they fear and the present moment something to cherish.
When I met my partner on the Internet I was so in love and for the first time in my life I felt the deepness of it. It was the most beautiful moment of my life when we finally met and kissed each other. Whatever was to come I was not afraid but ready to share. About four months later he discovered that he had cancer and I remember my birthday in 1998 when he spoke his words over the phone; “They think I have cancer”. I could feel his despair and for a moment even though we were miles apart I put my arms around him and said, “You are not alone, our love will help us through this”.
It was a time with fear and we did not know what was coming but being there for each other became the most important goal. One day he became so ill that they admitted him to the hospital and because I was still miles away we could only talk on the phone. I called the hospital and managed to speak to him for a minute. “Are you alright?” I said, “I am not” he replied and collapsed… It was like he had waited to hear my voice. I could hear the hook of the phone sliding back and forward over the wall and sounds of nurses panicking in the background. I stayed on the phone for another 15 minutes until one of the nurses picked it up and told me what had happened.
I immediately made arrangements to fly over the next day. When I arrived in the hospital he already had his operation and when I saw him he was not able to talk because of the morphine. But our hearts felt so close and the warmth was comforting.
The next day we talked to each other and he said to me; “ no one ever did for me what you did and I love you so much, but I can understand if our love has to end”. “I do not pity you” I replied, “I love you”. We were holding each other’s hands and we knew that we would be able to fight this battle together.
We were so happy to have found each other and holding on to our hope and love gave us three wonderful years together. Why would he not be the lucky one who could be cured from this terrible disease? Although our life was challenging we were still able to fill every day with happy moments and deep love.
It felt like tempting fate when we decided to get married but at the same time it was another milestone to fight for. We planned the honeymoon and we agreed on the wedding date. Just before the next appointment with the cancer specialist we went on a trip to Ireland, which was going to be our last. During this holiday we had loving and spiritual moments and combined with the places we travelled to it will be printed in our memories forever. We told our friends about our wedding plans and asked them to be present on this special day.
There were moments we looked in each other’s eyes and shared the fear we had for the future but thinking back I feel it was the only way to cope with such an emotional experience. On this tour my partner talked about his death for the first time and told me and his friends were he wanted his ashes to be scattered. It feels strange but at the same time it was a very realistic view of his future. We laughed and cried and spent our last holiday together filled with magical moments.
There was a lot to organise for the coming wedding and the fact that my partner was admitted to the hospital again made me even more focussed on it. Whatever the doctors were telling him he was determined to get better before the big moment. At the same time we knew that there was a chance it could end and with mixed feelings we continued to support each other day by day. The side effects of the chemo became worse and there was some confusion about the source of it but everyone was doing their best to make him better.
My partner made the decision that he would go for this final operation and as he said: “this is my last chance, and I have to take it, I hope you understand”. “ I do” I replied, “ It is your life, your own right, and who am I to say not to do it”. The moment we said goodbye when they took him into operating theatre will stay with me forever. “Be strong now, it will be alright, I love you so much and I will see you later!” I kissed him and waved him goodbye, and that was the last moment we could speak. The operation revealed that the cancer had come back and there was nothing they could do. This was the moment I had been scared of and I was so afraid of losing him.
While playing our favourite music and communicating in our special way he slowly passed over. In the last seconds before he died I was able to thank him for the wonderful time we had together; “ thank you for everything and I will love you forever darling”.
It is now more than a year since he died. I have experienced emotions I never had before and have become stronger realising that losing someone so close is the biggest challenge in life. He often said to me “ I have the easy way out”. I promised him to make a life for myself but for a long time it felt like my life was death too but now I am able to live again.
Our love will be part of me forever and experiencing mortality so closely has made me more conscious about the gift of life. I want to be strong and accept his loss and his strength during our fight is my guiding inspiration.
Caroline Hofstede
2001
Caroline is the founder of Cosmic Sparkle, a place for healing inspiration. "Sharing on the world wide web is an extremely powerful tool, it is my aim is to inspire others to become aware of the healing sparkle that is present within us all".